Visions of Sugar Plums

OK, for all those who've been harassing, er...requesting persistently, us for our Christmas wish lists, here's mine. (Ahem, Laurie. And Shirley. And mom!) And I won't read the comments for this post, so you can discuss who's taking care of what.

Petra’s Christmas Wish-list/Gift Ideas – 2007
1) CD’s by Feist
2) Pink Grapefruit scented or Satsuma scented shower gel from the Body Shop
3) Gift Certificates – Urban Yarns (on 4421 W10th Avenue, www.urbanyarns.ca) or Three Bags Full (Main St, Vancouver, http://www.threebagsfull.ca )
4) Gift Certificates – Mexx, Gap, Bay, Old Navy
5) Gift Certificates – BC liquor stores (for wine) or Starbucks (for coffee)
6)Sock yarn
7)Books
a.Gift certificates for Chapters OR
b. The Street of a Thousand Blossoms by Caroline Reid
c. Lord John and the Hand of Devils by Diana Gabaldon
d. Red, White, and Drunk All Over by Natalie MacLean
e. A Left-Handed History of the World by Ed Wright
f. The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards
g. Knitting New Scarves by Lynne Barr
h. Charmed Knits: Projects for Fans of Harry Potter by Alison Hansel
i. Mason-Dixon Knitting by Kay Gardniner
j. Knitting Circle by Ann Hood
k. Knitting: A Novel by Anne Bartlett
l. Any novel my Mary Kruger (mystery author)
m. Any book by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee
n. Novels (chick lit) by Meg Cabot:
i. Size 12 is Not Fat
ii. Size 14 is Not Fat Either
iii. Queen of Babble
iv. Big Boned
8) Magazine: subscription to Interweave Knits (a knitting magazine)
9) 15.4” Rain Design iLap Ergonomic Laptop Stand
10) Calendar
a. Anything with vintage movie posters, esp. Katherine Hepburn or Audrey Hepburn
b. Victorian Botanicals
c. Cartoon related
d. Classic kid-related (ex, Dr. Suess, Paddington Bear, etc)
11) Perfume :
-“Vera Wang” by Vera Wang
-“Burberry,” “Burberry Touch,” or “Burberry Weekend” by Burberry
12) A hair straightener with wide ceramic paddles.
13) A memory-foam pillow
14) A SMALL cross-cut paper shredder
15) A cordless phone
16) A 2G USB jump drive
17) Stickers
18) A paper cutter (like those used for scrapbooking)
19) A Dyson Vacuum or even better, a Roomba and a Scooba
20) A sewing machine
21) An Aerobed (Raised Premier)
22) A KitchenAid stand mixer (5 qut) in black or silver
23) A motorcycle
24) Tranquilizer darts for the cats

Ramblings

Its been a busy week, but a good one. If this jumbled reminiscence confuses you, that's okay, because I'm fully under the impression that no one reads this blog except for me, anyhow. My own mom has no interest in checking out my inane ramblings, so why should anyone else? Lets start with today. I completed all my marking for the week - a rather nasty slog - leaving me an entire day to get some more lessons re-worked, and get caught up on my course work. Oh, and celebrate Hubby's birthday too! I then managed to get a few rows done on a Calorimetry which may or may not go for some one's Christmas gift before we headed out to the first of our 6 concert series at the VSO. It was a pops concert, with the theme of "Fabulous 40's." OMG, what a fantastic show! In spite of our late arrival and seats in the middle of what felt like an ocean of retirement home, I had a truly great time! The show started with In the Mood, then two Duke Ellington songs (I'm Beginning to See the Light and Don't Get Around Much Anymore) featuring a jazz soloist, Robin McKelle. Amazing pipes, and don't you know I just had to get the CD at intermission. This was followed by a piece by Aaron Copland of "Fanfare for the common man" fame, (Hoe Down from Rodeo) followed by a trilogy from Oklahoma featuring a baritone with amazing richness (though his pitch was a little off a few times). The first half finished with a suite from Casablanca (Max Steiner's work) and finally Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.

After intermission (in which I also managed to sneak in a few more rows of Calorimetry amidst amused looks from the woman on my left, we heard One O'Clock Jump (Cole Porter), Times Square (from On The Town by Bernstein), Some Enchanted Evening (more Rodgers & Hammerstein), Begin the Beguine (Cole Porter), St. Louis Blues March (Handy), Night & Day (Porter), String of Pearls (ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVOURITES, Jerry Gray), and finally Come Rain or Come Shine (Arlen). I am still humming.

Friday was marked by my Bi 11 kids first exam (holy crap, did they do poorly on the written component), and then a knit night / campy TV watching binge with my cousin. I haven't had time with her in months, so it was a fantastic evening. Oh, and all you can eat Indian Buffet for $10 is a nice way to start off a weekend!



Friday FO #1 - it seems to have spiraled on me. Huh.



Friday FO #2 - pretty cables!

Thursday was remarkable only in that I managed to finish my readings for the week. Gah - what a slog. Oh, and we had our second fire of the year, so out on the field we went, fire trucks coming for the SECOND DAY IN A ROW. And so it begins. I mentioned to a student teacher that we hadn't had a fire drill since I've been at my school (for 4 years now) and she looked concerned until I said, "No, its not that we're ignoring safety. We just have the actual smoke detectors or fire pulls activate for real often enough so that we don't need to do drills."

My Halloween was the least remarkable I've had in the last well...since I can remember. We had a meeting at 5:30 with a Direct Buy representative and shopped for light fixtures until 7, then went home, ate dinner, and did our normal thing (which entails me knitting and/or marking and Aaron in the office on his computer).

Before that, it gets a wee bit fuzzy. Its been a busy week for me, full, but satisfying somehow. Hubby came home from Mexico, I finished various Christmas gifts and, and have kept up most of my obligations. And its only 7 weeks until Christmas break! Whoo hoo!

and miles to go before I sleep

As Robert Frost's poem implies, we all face choices from time to time, choices that influence the course of our future. Sometimes is a choice between the known and the unknown; the predictable and the promising. Sometimes our journey is break-neck rapid, sometimes plodding and methodical, but as long as we keep travelling, the view at least, should change.


I made a choice to go back to school over a year ago, taking road less travelled by. I'd heard rumor of exciting adventure along the way, riches to be gained and new friends to meet, and thus I began, merrily taking in the sights. I cantered through the meadow of "basic counselling skills," catching golden coins that seemed to fall from the sky, soon to be followed by a long but rewarding gallop through hills of "the role of the teacher in guidance" where I had adventures, gained acquaintances, and profited considerably. I raced through the shadowy valley of "theories of counselling" and escaped without harm, and emerged in the sunny glade of "career counselling" to bask in my rewards, honestly earned. Now, however, I find myself in an endless plain of monotony known as "guidance: planning and decision making" and I find my pace slowing down. In fact, the longer I'm stuck in this landscape, the longer I fear it may take as my pace decreases. It feels interminable. Step. by unchanging. step. I am learning nothing new, and



I.


am.


so.


BORED.



I have never been such a poor student - I love learning! Perhaps that it. I'm not learning.



In the midst of unmitigated monotony, I want off this pathway. But I'm now beyond the half-way point, and in fact I passed that signpost just before I entered this dreary dusty hell. So here I sit, astride a horse which for all I know could be wandering in circles. And the worst part is, I don't care.



I just want it to be over. I want out. I want to be able to use my Saturdays for things other than navigating though the same flat unchanging vista. I'd rather be here:




or here.


or anywhere for that matter than where I am right now. Sigh... Well, at least I'm making good progress on my knitted birthday/Christmas gifts. And that, I can do atop a horse.

Mushy

Today was a singularly unproductive day. After arriving at work to find out that the demo I'd set up last night didn't work, I suppose I should have taken that as a sign. Today is my first day solo for a week, what with Hubby off in Mexico with his Dad and Dad's work cronies pulling giant Mexican fish out of their ecosystem.

So here I am, and this morning, things went well. I was responsible, even - so unlike me when I'm all by my lonesome. I made a lunch the night before, paid attention to the cats, left the house tidy this morning, even managed to make and consume coffee before I had to go! The headache I just passed off as the caffiene withdrawl I sometimes face in the morning.

Not so much. By the middle of 2nd period today, I was done. There was no way I was going to face the rest of the day with a burgeoning migraine. If 3 tylenol with codeine don't knock out the headache and instead induce heart palpitations from the extra caffeine, its time to sleep it off. So there I was, facing an hour before my substitute teacher arrived, an hour attempting to balanace noisy high school kids and a rapidly building migraine, including smell hypersensitivity, visual disturbances, and complete inability to focus and concentrate. Sigh.... Well, I suppose today was a good day to call in sick, if there is such a thing. The last 3 classes of the day involved more supervision than direct teaching - group work and finishing up activities. My Gr. 10's had their quiz, thanks to a colleague who gave up some of his prep time to supervise them until my sub came (thanks, Randy!) and then I just gave them a study block, so I suppose it wasn't a total waste.

Anyhow, I made it out of there and was home by 11:45 and immediately hit the sofa. Unable to sleep due to excessive caffeine (stupid T2's), I engaged in mindless knitting I could do without actually visually focusing on it until I melted into a sort of mind-benumbed blob in my living room. I don't remember much after that, except that 6 hours later, I'm now awake and the migraine is gone except for a few residual symptoms.

Not what I'd hoped to accomplish with today, but I suppose I had no choice. Well, off to tackle a paper due for my class in a few days.

voice in the wind

Not being a parent myself, I find myself in the tenuous position of being critical of a small, select group of parents. That being said, parents who expect the school to be the sole agent to support their child academically drive me NUTS!

As an educator, when I phone home to relay my serious concerns about a particular child's progress, I mean it! I don't just call home over simple stuff that could be solved by telling a child to "do their best" and "please remember to do all your homework." If I say that your child is at risk of failing and its ONLY the 2nd month in the school year, you should heed the red flag! Please don't pass the buck. Please don't assume that the school is the only place that needs to work harder to support your child.

How about sitting down with your child (yeah, sitting down together, how 'bout that) and finding out what they're doing in school? How about showing your child how much you care about their success by extending an invitation to sit together and work? How about demanding that your child show your their binder, you organize it together, and you find out what's missing? How about you ask for a list of what needs to be done and you work together at home to ensure its done? How about setting up a very simple system where you as a parent get involved in what your child has for homework? Check their agenda! Attach a reward to getting their agenda filled out and initialed by each teacher! Attach a reward to having completed all homework for a week, two weeks, a month!

How about increasing the academic support at home?

I would love to support your child as much as I am capable of, and guess what, I do! I take the time in class to notice when your child is struggling, and to sit together and work even at the expense of other children. I offer to give up my lunch breaks, my after school hours, my early morning time, my broken moments in which I really just need to find a bathroom, just to sit and work with your child and try to get them help. I offer empathy when they're frustrated, breaks when they're overwhelmed, time when they're confused, and overall my utmost support.

Most parents get it. They do. And I cheer for them, and thank them for doing their part.

But I find it so frustrating when I take the time to research a particular child's strengths and weaknesses, and express concerns to parents, and they pass the buck back. Your child needs you, even if they don't want to be treated like a child any more. Your child needs you. Support also needs to come from home.

To wit, to knit

On Friday, I lugged home my overfull briefcase, stuffed with laptop and enough marking to set off the "passenger seatbelt" light in the front seat of my car. In other words, my briefcase was on par with a toddler for weight. I had a busy night too - I lugged things to my cousin's apartment after work rather than going home, where we had our monthly book club meeting. We had dinner and catchup time first, drooled over a new KnitPicks catalogue, and she showed me how her spinning wheel works. Dangerous hobby, that one. Dangerous as in, easy to spend a lot of money and get sucked in to addictive instant gratification.

However, I left her house armed with great plans to arise early on Saturday and plug away at the Everest of paper in my bag, and the enormous quantity of reading I've let slide for my UBC course. Thus I drifted off to sleep on Friday ever so guilt-free, knowing, just knowing that Saturday would be productive.

So here I am. Saturday. Here's the score:

Knitting - 1

Card-crafting - 1

Work - 0.

Coursework - 0.

Finished a toque for my step-cousin, finished a hand-crafted card with my Mom for her colleague, finished NONE of the marking or prep which is now watching me like a creepy painting in a B-list horror movie. One of these days, I'm going to grow up and be responsible, I swear!

On a side note, I haven't sat with Mom and done Arts & Crafts since I was 8 years old, so perhaps today wasn't such a waste after all. Perhaps I'm just shifting my priorities subconsciously - family time should come before marking worksheets anyhow!

Let them eat cake - or at least clean it off the floor!

I stopped a cake fight this afternoon. Or rather, pre-empted an attempt at one. How can you tell the school year is in full swing?

Today was a great day to explore a new knitting venture - I joined a knitting circle today at a great local yarn store. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I enjoyed the opportunity to sit in a room surrounded by adult conversation. The odd knitting-related term floated past my consciousness as I attempted to follow several simultaneous conversations - "yarn-porn", "squeaky swift," "kitchner toes," and "unusual gusset" to name a few. This too, was good stuff.

I shall return.

Let them eat cake

Sometimes, a few pictures is all you need to sum up a day. In my case, the last few days have been full of friends, books, and knitting. Sigh...life's pretty good when you're on summer vacation as a teacher. I'll write something more detailed tomorrow. Funny thing heard on the way home from the fireworks finale tonight: Police car approaching with lights and siren, struggling to get through rush hour like traffic "Your sirens mean nothing in the anarchy of tonight!" =) I love 14 year old kids.


Oh, and its seems I'll have to wait till next year to figure out why our camera doesn't take great fireworks photos even on the correct setting. Sigh...

Just call me Maria

Its funny how a feminine dress makes you feel pretty. Its not even a great dress, nor was it an expensive dress, but well....I feel pretty. Its been a great day overall - I had a tasty (and healthy) lunch with my mom, got to visit the LYS and showed excellent self-restraint (pats self on back). I rambled over to Chapters and spent a delightful 90 minutes selecting fluffy summer reads that I'll be embarrassed to add to my list (though how can you resists at title like "Coffee and Kung-Fu" I ask you?!?) and on the bus ride there had a moment of fear topped by grand chuckle. I was knitting the bus and a large biker-ish man (and I do mean large and bearing skulls on his Harley-Davidson clothing and in jewellery) was watching intently. This was not a problem, as many people watch me knit on the bus, but I was a little concerned when he got up to move closer and get a better view. I was a wee bit creeped out and wondered whether I should get off the bus a little earlier than anticipated. As it turned out however, he's a knitter too! He was watching because he was impressed with the pattern on the cardigan because he'd never done something as complicated, and wanted to know what yarn I was using. Serves me right for making assumptions about people based on their appearance.

When I got home, I finished the ball band cloth - first dishcloth ever! Its funny, I've started with complicated cabled textured sweaters, am working on lace, and have never done a dishcloth till now. No wonder why people say I do things "bass ackwards."


Ballband washcloth from "Mason-Dixon" using Bernat Handicrafter cotton in "Summer Splash"

Wax on, wax off

My day in photos:

My day began with the hopes of sitting back and relaxing while observing the Hutchison Family Ritual of "Waxing the Car."

Its a very important rite for any Hutchison vehicle, occurring at least 3 times a year. I mean, my father in law even waxes his LAWN MOWER! Its 18 years old and looks brand new.

I wasn't overly interested in waxing the car myself, that is, until I was informed that girls aren't allowed. Screw that (thought me)! I should have known it was a ploy to get me on my hands and knees, scrubbing brake dust and road tar off the wheels. Sigh... Anyhow, here was my view from about 9:00 am till 2:00 pm. Note that the car is so shiny it reflects like a mirror now. And this is before the gloss-coat sealer went on. Boys....

Following our adventure in setting up a tent in the front lawn, stopping by the big-box-craft-store that shall remain nameless to pick up some cheap dishcloth cotton, we arrived home by 5:00 ish, just in time to relax for an hour before heading out to the fireworks with by friend Olivia and her kids. I was glad her 2 and 5 year old sons came along - Aaron needs more exposure to younger kids if we're going to start our own family in the next year or two. Here's how the evening went (more or less). After a 1/2 hour walk from the car, we found a great spot, set up our blankets and personal affects, and the boys (including the 33 year old one) were ready for snacks. An hour later, after walks with ducks and more snacks, a trip to the popcorn stand, and an inch or so started on a knitting project, the coats came on and the stars came out. Olivia's oldest son decided to make like Shrek and outdo Aaron's funny faces. To quote Forrest Gump, at times the two boys were "just like peas and carrots." The two of them spent a bit of time looking for stars, and I got to play with the fireworks mode on the camera. Now if only I could figure out how not to wiggle.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you

Very little to wax eloquent upon today (not that I wax eloquently ever. Actually, I don't think one can wax oneself in an eloquent fashion. Its just not that kind of activity). I tried out a dress I'd bought a few weeks ago for an embarrassingly low price and though its shorter than I normally wear (short enough to cause consternation upon bending over) its quite flattering and hides the tummy. All was well and good until Ms. Molly decided to run after Aaron as he left for work, down the hallway. Now, normally this isn't an issue and I let her explore for a bit until she chickens out and runs back to the door. However, the neighbors had their front door open this morning and Ms. Molly decided that exploring their apartment was much more interesting than the hallway. My problem was the dress - how does one pick up a squirming cat if bending forwards exposes the rear, and crouching down er...makes parts drafty that normally aren't so drafty? I chose to expose my rear and prayed that the neighbors behind me wouldn't open their door at an inopportune moment. Damn cats.

Anyhow, I ventured into the mall today with a list of things that required purchase and as always, wound up with more than I really needed. But 2 pairs of jeans at $30 each could not be denied. A fall skirt for $12 (down from $45) and a few late summer tops (both less than 1/2-price) were worth the trip. The main purpose was to replace some unmentionables and get my duff out of the house for a short time, but I found out how much a transformer and adapter will cost for our trip. I'm not sure that I want to spend $50 for a transformer and adapter sufficient to charge our camera battery, because the thing won't get much use in the foreseeable future beyond this trip, but I also know that we'll need to charge the camera battery at least 2-3 times while we're there. I know our friends will likely have something we can use while in London, but I'm not quite what to do about Paris yet.

At the moment, I'm typing this in my in-laws computer room. My father in law, lovely man, is a bit nutty about detailing family cars and has a very particular approach to washing and waxing. I've heard about this ritual throughout my relationship with Aaron (almost 8 years now!) but have never actually witnessed the phenomenon in person, so when the opportunity arose to observe, I was compelled. Our car, like an acolyte awaiting its initiation ceremony, is resting in the in-laws garage in preparation for its session tomorrow. Apparently, the car must be thoroughly bathed the night before and let dry inside overnight so that when waxing begins the following morn, there's no offensive moisture to impede the process. I've never seen anyone wash a car with such rapt attention before. My father in law spent more time attending to the wheels than I think I spend washing the entire car. I almost never see anyone dry cars by hand. I've never ever witnessed anyone employing special brushes to clean grill work. I've never EVER seen anyone dry around the wheel bolts before using a particular cloth, selected from the pile for its unique absorptive properties. I can't decide if I'm amused or alarmed as I watch my husband learn like a disciple from a prophet. I'll post some photos of the waxing ritual tomorrow. I have been banished from helping and will be spending the day in a lounge chair outside, alternately knitting and reading, watching the two of them work. No complaints here!

Colourway du sloth

So its been a week since I've stopped long enough to write and reflect and you might figure hmmm...she must have been very busy. I suppose it depends on how you define busy. I've been wallowing in slothitude. After 3 weeks of insanity, I needed a week of doing nothing but hermit- hood and utter relaxation. Oh, that and I was sick. It seems that my immune system, along with the rest of my body decided to relax as well, resulting in a (sadly, temporary) loss of several pounds in a 24 hour period. So what have I been up to? Lets see:

Wednesday - well it was Aaron's holiday/flex day so we got to a lazy start and were out of the house by noon-ish with the intent of getting hair cuts and shopping down main street. We weren't able to get an appointment with Aaron's stylist (how come my husband has a preferred hairdresser and I don't?) until 3:00 so we had a burger at the new location of Vera's on Main. Well, I had a burger, Aaron had the cheese steak. Well, until we saw the size of my gi-freaking-normous burger anyhow. The thing had to be more than 2.5 pounds! We shared meals and both of us were incredibly stuffed. We wandered until 3:00, had hairs cut, and finally went shopping down Main. I purchased a very pretty casual dress - a retro purple and brown print, with a deep V neck and wrap-style with a belt detail that for once is positioned in a spot that doesn't make me look ridiculous. I also picked up a cute black tank top with an asymmetrical grey print floral detail. I was so tempted to enter Birkland Bros, a LYS but alas, the boy had to hie home for a mountain bike ride. What to do with the rest of my evening? Silly question - finish Harry Potter #7 of course! (Still processing, don't wish to discuss at the moment)

Thursday - A day of slothitude. I woke up intending upon cleaning bathrooms, tidying desk and preparing for work on my Bio 11 curriculum next week - or if I'm lucky, this week! But no, interesting (at the time) movies on the Turner Classic Movie channel and my sleeve was calling. Suffice to say that I finished knitting sleeve #2 and started the back and only put it down once the hands were cramping too much to maintain even tension. I wonder if there's a 12-step for knitters.

Friday - I began Friday feeling rather ill, and with a pounding headache. By 10:00 I'd made several trips to the bathroom and each one was increasingly dramatic. I hate the flu. Ugh. The only redeeming part of the day, as crappy as it was, was that Aaron was sick too and came home from work by 12:00 so sleep beside me and race me to the bathroom occasionally. I have to say, that cats are excellent company when you're ill. Molly on the left, dumb as she is, its lovely to cuddle with when you feel like crap. Both of us were feeling better by about 8:00 but he bounced back much better than I did.

Saturday - With Aaron at Whistler all day (apparently well enough to ride but also watch a big race/festival up there this weekend) I spent most of the day with recuperating on the sofa. I more or less slept in between reading 2.5 L.M. Montgomery novels and 2 chick lit novels I had sitting in reserve on my bedside table. For some reason, I felt compelled to read the Emily series again. Its not challenging reading, and other than being overly saccharine at times, its somewhat inspiring. I suppose reading LM Montgomery for me while sick is like curling up with a childhood teddy bear for others. Its comforting and familiar, though you may not have done it for years. I wasn't well enough to consider any of the events happening around town (Fireworks at English Bay, Luminares Lantern Festival at Trout Lake, Taste of the City Tasting Festival at PNE fairgrounds) and so spent some time knitting. I needed a break from the sweater so started a new quick knit scarf out of a lovely thick yarn in my stash. I decided to work a simple chevron pattern but after a few inches, decided to set it aside and curl up with yet another book, then early to bed.

Sunday -Another day spend with Aaron, and it started with cinnamon french toast. Oh, how I love living with that man! We drove up to North Van to go by a bike thinggummy (derailer something or other) and then over to UBC to return a few books that I'd borrowed. Though the city librarians are on strike like the rest of the public sector, the university's libraries are open so I still have a shot at some fresh fiction. We came home and Aaron gardened (mostly involving deftly depopulating the bug community and inventing new invectives for leaf miners) while I make several feet progress on the scarf. We dined on an amazing dinner of garlic mashed potatoes in the skins, tomato cucumber and chickpea salad, steamed broccoli (my request) and sirloin steak with mushrooms in a red wine reduction, topped with blue cheese crumble. No wonder why I weigh no less post-flu! Afterwards, we went out for dessert with a few of Aaron's friends who are in from out of town, one from across the country and one from across the world. It was a busy day, but a good day.

That leaves us with today, Monday . I finally checked my email for the first time in about a week, eeep! 17 outstanding messages. Better get on that. I finished the finished the chunky chevron scarf and am pleased with how it turned out. Tis nice to feel like I've finished something. I also blocked the first sleeve - an accomplishment for me since I've never blocked lace before (see pictures below) . I also managed to iron 16 shirts and now have no ironing left in the pile. Yay me! Whoo hoo! It hasn't been like that in over 2 months! I also managed to tidy up a bit, and wrote this. So there it is. Hmm. Looking upon this list it seems I've been busier than I thought, but busy doing very little. I need to reconnect with girlfriends and reconnect soon. This coming weekend I may be up in Kelowna with friends, close to the Grey Monk Winery and then the following week with family on the island, but I needs me some girlfriend time.

Momentary Madness before the Dawn

Yesterday marked a celebration of sorts. I began the morning with a paper nearly complete - really only final edits and a conclusion to go. By 1 in the afternoon-ish, I was on my way to drop it off along with the blasted reference books which did little else than give my arms a workout. So much for my strategy of finding basic information in one place. I dropped it off, not into my professors hands (which would have been much more reassuring) but into a folder in a filing cabinet in an obscure mail room in the same building as my class. I didn't even pull out the folder myself, because a classmate was in the room when I got there and had just put her paper inside. Now, normally I'd check everything over, being "anal type-A" from time to time. I'd normally check the folder, check my name, check the presence of the paper in the envelope, check the folder again, check the drawer, check the names of others' papers in the folder, and basically spend a whole lot longer than necessary. I much prefer giving it to a prof, because if the prof loses the damn thing, I'm not accountable. I think, though, by the time I dropped the damn thing off this time I was feeling like an inpatient 5 year old in the department store with mom "Are we DONE yet?" "Can we GO NOW?" So, in the folder (I think) it went, into the correct (I think) drawer, and now I'm done.

To celebrate, I first managed something non-school on my to-do list: renew the drivers licence. Now, I had assumed based on relatively recent experiences in the passport line, that I'd be there a while. However, the only person in front of me was the young, skinny, over-fragranced eastern European woman who just entered the door before I did. I almost had to stop, actually. Her perfume was tangibly heavy, like a wall of molasses syrup. She was holding up the line, trying to tell the woman at the front responsible for assigning line numbers about the reason why she couldn't wait, and assaulting me with fragrance so heavy, I could taste in on the back of my tongue. I felt an insane impulse to wipe my tongue off on the nearest tissue. Bleach. She was dressed, well, much more attractively than I was, and for a moment, felt completely dumpy. I mean, here I was in flip flops, comfy jeans, loose tweedy favourite sweater (specifically selected such that it camouflages all cat hair), no makeup and wet hair in a braid. There she was in calf-high silvery strap up heel sandals, size zero black knee-length a-line skirt with 3/4 inch tulle trim (no cat-hair to be seen by the way - ANYWHERE), tight fitting dressy black t-shirt and perfectly coiffed ringlets dyed a modern shade of red. For a moment (or two) I felt fat, dowdy, unattractive, and well, lets face it, worthless.


Yup, the self-esteem demon raised its ugly head. Yeah, go figure. I mean, I'm almost 30, a role model for teenage girls (in theory anyhow), well-educated, financially stable, not completely unattractive, in a very happy marriage and yet I still play the "compare game." And the problem is, I set myself up for a game that I almost always lose. I don't get it. Why do I do that to myself. But then I thunk and re-thunk my position. First of all, my body is what it is - almost identical to my paternal grandmother's body type. Furthermore, I like food. No, scratch that. I LOVE food when its prepared well, and my husband is no mean chef. Even more, I don't like exercise. I know, runners high, love the burn, blah blah blah. I just find the gym to BORING! And yeah, I know you can read while you bike or whatever, but not the way I like to read. To dive in, to immerse, to enter a new place. I'm half focused on not falling off the damn bike and half focused on not smacking the silly women beside me who'd having an utterly inane, high decibel, cellphone conversation with her girlfriend about how Judge Judy needs a makeover. So my body is a result of the choices I've made and make, and quite frankly, I enjoyed making those choices. Secondly, why the hell am I basing my value on how I look?!? How I look isn't who I am - a part of it, sure, because how we construct our image is a form of communication to other. The part of us we'd like them to see. (And don't start yapping about how you don't care what others think about your appearance because if you care enough to argue with me, you care enough to think about it and answer me. And if you don't care, then why did you take a shower today anyhow if you weren't particularly dirty, hmmm?) Anyhow, I'm not just who I look like, and besides, I AM some of those qualities I communicate to others through my appearance. Practical, comfortable, approachable, friendly, safe...you know...the person the tourist always approaches to take the picture. I may not be shaped like a supermodel, or even a Sears catalogue model for that matter. But I am who I am. And I LIKE who I am. Well, for the most part.



So there it was. Screw that. I have summer vacation to plunge into and I'm not about to start it feeling like crap. Besides, my mom thinks I'm pretty and my husband thinks I'm beautiful, and that's enough for me. To celebrate my school freedom, we saw Ratatouille and ate popcorn (with butter) and soda (non-diet) for dinner. Dragged in a few parts, but about on par with Cars for overall enjoyment. Besides I'm SO excited about visiting London and Paris in a month and the animated scenes of Paris in this movie were inspiring.

OK, knitting calls. Almost done the sleeves. Then I can clean the bathrooms (and trust me, they need doing after 3 weeks of total school immersion) and start Harry Potter. I'm a little reluctant to start because I know I won't stop once I do, and then it will be done. Finished.

Grrr

Can't seem to get this freaking progress bar to work. I know nothing about HTML but I should be able to follow directions from someone else. Nice, numerical directions.

Poop.

On a more positive note, paper's almost done. Just the conclusion to write.

So, a few more hours slog tomorrow, then up to UBC, then off to the motor vehicle branch to renew my license.

EDIT: ooh...found working html code. Nevermind. Though the paper's still not done. Ahem.

Kleenex anyone?

Sometimes I wonder how many other women my age still cry at cheesy made for TV movies. Scratch that...sometimes I even cry (particularly when I'm PMSy) after seeing overly sentimental commercials. Then I second guess myself for condemning my crying. I dunno - my dad always gave me grief about being weepy like my grandmother, but methinks it may be related to men of his generation being uncomfortable with expressing emotions. Then again, crying over a predictable made-for-TV movie? Crying at the end of 1 hour family dramas? TV commercials?

wait a second, what am I doing watching made for TV movies anyhow? My paper still isn't done.

Crap...now there's a reason to cry.

Deny deny deny

That's it. I now have a 24 hour self-imposed deadline in which I must finish cranking out 8 pages of the "Relevance of Morals in Existential Psychotherapy." Though to finish, I suppose I must begin. You know, I was excited about this topic at the beginning and I have lots of ideas in germination, but there seems to be significant mental blockage in firstly planning a coherent and interesting structure with tidy borders and meaningful blocks of colour and texture and secondly actually planting the ideas into a limited 8 pages of space.

I'd much rather give an oral presentation right about now. You know, open my mouth, and hope the ideas knit themselves together into some kind of organized argument. Sort of....verbal fertilizer from my compost heap of ideas.

So far, in my fermenting pile of paper progress, I have accumulated 4 pages of referenced but unorganized key concepts I'd like to include, 6 books and 15-odd papers, and 3 pages of single spaced draft work. However, I've managed to do this in 2 weeks - an over abundance of time as far as I'm concerned. My well meaning prof extended the deadline for this paper from Friday to Monday, and then dropped oh so casually that he wouldn't likely to be in to pick up said papers until Noon on Tuesday. So really, I have no need to begin until Monday at about 9 am. I'm pretty sure given enough strain and duress that I could produce the 2000-ish words in that time frame. However, the longer I delay, the longer I will dwell, and so I've set limits.

Lets rewind a bit and review my progress:

Things I am not allowed to do until my paper is finished Draft #1

Purchase Harry Potter #7
Read Harry Potter #7

Actions completed unrelated to paper:
Read 30 pages of book club book
Knitted 2 more inches of sleeve
Watched 3 movies on the Turner Classic Movies Channel
Look up weather on internet to find out whether yogathon fundraiser is still happening in the rain.

Hm....this list seems to be completely unsuccessful at motivating a enthusiastic beginning. In fact, I seem to be in total denial that I actually have to get anything done. Lets try again:

Things I am not allowed to do until my paper is finished Draft #2

Purchase Harry Potter #7
Read Harry Potter #7
Attend yogathon fundraiser
Watch television at all
Read fiction
Knit (and this is a meaningful limit)

Actions completed unrelated to paper:

Pestered cats. (see photo)
Read 92 pages of book club book (apparently I wasn't taking myself seriously)
Read knitting reference guides about blocking sleeve
Talked with dad and stepmom on phone
Searched for knitting groups online
Made and drank extra coffee
Bugged Aaron
Started blog posting




Hmm...seems to be an inverse relationship between number of limits and paper-completion related activity. Lets try a final draft

Things I am not allowed to do until my paper is finished Draft #3
Purchase Harry Potter #7
Read Harry Potter #7
Attend yogathon fundraiser
Watch television at all
Read fiction (SERIOUSLY THIS TIME)
Read anything on the internet unrelated to paper
Knit (and this is a meaningful limit) or do anything knitting related
Notice cats unless they are dying or breaking something
Notice spouse unless he is bringing me presents (come on, I have to have some kind of out)
Leave office unless I have to pee
Drink anything other than tap water unless husband has brought it as a present (see above)
Answer the phone. scratch that - too open. USE the phone.

Sigh....

I really need to get this thing done.

To sleep, perchance to read

Gah - I have to leave for school in an hour and a half, I have a midterm/quiz that I haven't studied for and thought I tried to study this morning, I took a nap instead. I should be nourishing the overgrown jungle that is my mind, yet I chose to feed my abandoned ruin of a body (and cracked-earth soul too). There's something emotionally satisfying about napping with a cuddly cat.

OK, out of the house, away to the local coffee shop I go, attempting for a final time to absorb half a textbook in 90 minutes. Cue flight of the bumble bee.

Uncommon sense

"I'm staying out of this one." "I'm not getting involved." "I'm going neutral here."

Is it possible to ever be truly neutral? By not taking a position in a dilemma, I would argue that you are not being neutral because you've made a choice to not be involved. By not engaging in a relevant problem, you express a moral opinion about your value of staying ambivalent. Humans are by nature moral agents and our actions and choices (and yes, not making a choice still involves a choice - don't get me started on that one) enact those morals, regardless of whether we want to or not.

For example, lets say a friend asks your opinion on whether or not she should turn in a sum of cash that she encountered while walking in a busy public area. She's had varying opinions and now asks for yours. If you reply "Just do what you think is right," or "Do what is in your heart," because you don't want to influence your friend, I say that you are doing her a disservice. If your friend is in a true moral dilemma and is struggling with a choice which is causing her real discomfort, then as a friend, is it right to offer her nothing? I would argue that instead, you could begin by stating "Though no one but you can ultimately decide your actions, and I do not wish to be responsible for your actions, but this is what I think..." then you have a) been honest and genuine about your fear of responsibility for the consequences that might stem from this choice and yet you have b) still offered your friend support by expressing an opinion. Is it possible that by hearing one side, then your friend will have an opportunity to form her view by freely agreeing or disagreeing with your viewpoint?

"Use your common sense" I think is perhaps the worst counter of all. There is no such thing as common sense - our view of reality is subjective and different, filled with cultural connotations. What may be common to you is not common for everyone. What is morally right for you may not be right for someone else. By not offering a viewpoint, but telling somoeone to "do what makes sense" you ironically impose a view that assumes an arrogant stance that your reality should be a common one. Perhaps we need to start thinking with uncommon sense, rather than common sense.

Procrastination

So here I sit, a copy of Ashman & Winstanley's article entitled "Business ethics and existentialism" before me. And what do I do? Actually read it and use the ideas contained within to work on my paper (due by the way, in less than a week)? No, oh no. Rather, I begin yet another blog in which I will likely write for a while and then delete. Ironic, no, that my focus these days has been on the nature of morality within existentialism?

According to Sartre, we all have the freedom to chose, yet within that choice comes the responsibility to authentically act and live and be, and take the responsibility for those actions. It is right that I subject any who might stumble across this blog with a confusing skein of mental perturbations? Perhaps, like several other disorders, fellow procrastinators may come across this blog which will act as a trigger and initiate their own procrastinating behaviour tendencies? As we make a choice, according to existential thought, we don't merely make it for ourselves, but we make it for all. Because by nature, we are interconnected beings and we yearn for a sense of relation to others to overcome the angst of the inevitability of death. So perhaps this is just an enactment for that existential longing for connectedness.

Perhaps this is a bunch of crap.

So here's been by latest forays into procrastination. Actually, let me digress. I've been engulphed for the last 2.5 weeks in a sea of counselling theories. I, for a variety of reasons, am taking courses over my summer holidays and needed to take a survey course on various theories of counselling and psychotherapy. Its an intense process: 3 hours per day of class, 6 hours per day of reading and homework. My life has been little but read, highlight, bus, listen, write, read, bus, read, write, highlight for the last 3 weeks. I've put myself under considerable pressure to succeed - I may want to use this course as a prerequisite for a masters degree, so I'd like to do well. However, my eczema's resurfaced and last night, I woke up at 3 am convinced that mosquitoes were sucking out every drop of blood I had to spare. Turns out they were hives, because after an hour of sleeplessness, they disappeared. No bites - hives only. Sigh... So in dealing with this inordinate amount of self-imposed work, I've spend some time lately working on procrastination. What have I been doing.... lets see.

Well, there's of course the knitting:

I'm currently working on a sleeve for the "one Dollar Cardigan" in IK Spring 2007. Lovely undyed alpaca.

There's coffee. I always have time to grind fresh beans, fill the press, and consume copious amounts of caffeine.

There's facebook - the eternal time suck.



There's free concerts given by the VSO at Deer Lake Park in Burnaby. Much more fun than deconstructing feminist psychotherapy. See?
(I think this is during William's Star Wars Suite)


Though why people would fight through a crowd of thousands for a patch of grass and a limited view corridor only to TALK through the whole concert on a cell phone, and subject everyone else to their conversation in the process is beyond the scope of my understanding.

Procrastination seems to be my vice and my savior. In once sense, it prevents me from accomplishing things I really should do. In another, it keeps me whole and sane. So here I sit, poised in the precipice of tumbling into a muppet-show inspired Animal-like meltdown, blogging.